Today I write about a perspective that’s seldomly spoken about in an era where gender equality is such a hot topic: the changes that (some) men have achieved whilst women have massively entered the work force. In the past couple of decades women have done an incredible job of redefining what’s possible for our gender and in many ways, so have men.
Let’s face it – the bar for men’s involvement in the house and with the kids is higher than it used to be. Not too long ago, men were expected to provide financially and women to provide emotionally and these roles are no longer clean cut.
As I write this, I’m thinking many will immediately think: “as it should be!” but this is precisely NOT the point. The point is to recognize the adaptation and success that many men have exhibited, because not doing so and taking it for granted would be missing a huge part of the story of the evolution of “gender equality” and modern-day life.
Monumental change comes from the accumulation of smaller efforts…
My husband’s life is different because of how I’ve changed mine. And how I’ve changed mine is different because he has changed his… As a therapist, I believe nothing occurs in isolation within relationships and I’m always holding myself accountable for noticing reciprocity.
Looking at the day to day, I can tell you he usually goes to the supermarket and puts the girls to bed while I have late night therapy sessions. He wakes up at night when our kids are sick or have nightmares just as much as I do. And he has been seen giving a manicure to a two-year-old princess.
This didn’t happen from one day to the next. Over eleven years of marriage we’ve actively worked hard to adapt our routines and how we conceptualize our partnership and our roles. I think it still surprises me it has taken so much effort despite us two being conceptually aligned.
I wanted to share what I think are some key points of inflection where he made a difference towards adaptation:
⚫ When I worked in finance, he encouraged me to question what my passion was (hint: it wasn’t the banking world).
↪ I think it’s hard to live life pursuing fulfillment and passion and he was there while I figured mine out.
⚫ When I became a mother, he was open minded and considered me working or staying home as viable options.
↪ Either of these options would mean something different (financially, time wise, etc.) but they were both options, nonetheless.
⚫ When he became a father, he knew he wanted to be very involved out of principle and conviction.
↪ Motivation and intention that comes from within is key to making any effort sustainable. He’s the father he wants to be, not the one I needed him to become.
⚫ When I decided to get my master’s and become a licensed therapist, he was willing to sacrifice personal and professional flexibility to cover while I was away.
↪ Just because he’s supportive or I’ve supported him doesn’t mean this wasn’t very challenging.
I won’t flatter myself by telling you the roles I think I’ve played in return, partly because I’m still working on being able to speak about my own achievements and because this newsletter is about men… (reminder to self: don’t steal the spotlight!!!).
Success: is it reluctantly forced or intentionally created?
Sometimes it seems those changes, the ones characteristic of the modern-day husband/father, were made possible by societal expectations and by the need from women that men step up and share in the responsibilities of the “home”.
⚫ When men feel their change is a product of the women’s need, they often sound like “most men wouldn’t do this, you should be grateful”!
⚫ When women feel that men’s change simply needed to happen, they often sound like “It’s the least you could do”!
But in some cases, the changes happened because a man chose to live a life of his own making, guided by his values, principles, and choices. This is something to notice.
I recognize that my husband:
And don’t get me wrong, we’ve certainly had moments when we played “accountants” and threw in each other’s face efforts that we thought exceeded the other’s. However, for the most part we shifted to valuing our partnership, which translates into:
Challenges ahead:
Practical details and relational dynamics have changed drastically in the past couple of decades, but have we as individuals adapted our emotional process? The truth is that when there’s tension, conflict, or heightened stressors, I still feel responsible for carrying the invisible mental load and he still feels responsible for providing financially.
(Insert man twisting and turning at night thinking of the credit card balance while woman plans for summer camp adding what feels like $3million dollars’ worth of items to the amazon list).
There’s an inherited emotional process that transcends our generation and plays out, sometimes in the background (maybe a small voice in our heads) and in our most vulnerable/anxious moments in the forefront (a full-on yelling match of Tit-for-Tat).
In today’s world, I see trouble happening when men want their financial contributions to be considered as enough contribution PERIOD. And trouble also happens when women take financial contributions for granted while demanding more involvement.
In closing, this isn’t a reflection about making things even or about what should or shouldn’t be. This is my effort at noticing another version of a story, someone’s efforts that make a big difference and the difficult process that is aligning practical objectives with an emotional state that is congruent.
Disclaimer/Statement of accountability: I’m aware this newsletter speaks with generalizations. Also, I know it describes a dynamic that doesn’t cover all relational configurations or the reality of many people. However, it speaks to a dynamic that I find very real, recurring, and that affects many… Please feel free to disagree, reply sharing opposing views, or share with someone who might find this perspective refreshing.